Onions stink

Onions stink! Life philosophy 101!

If you take an onion and peel it, you get a multitude of thin layers.

Layer One; the crust. What was I doing that last day I saw you? I know I was standing beside Mikes pickup, were we just getting to my house or were we leaving? Did I work that day ? Did I see you before supper or had I already eaten? When did I go in the house? I know I went to bed because I was awakened by knocking.

Layer Two; I don’t remember our conversation! Did we say more than a few words? I know you were in a hurry, Gracyn was in your truck and I was trying to make her laugh. You needed to borrow your brothers shirt or jacket? I can’t seem to recall that detail. You came out of the house smiling and seemed happy and nervous at the same time.

Layer Three; Did I hug you? Did you hug me? Did I tell you I loved you? I know you had been angry for a few weeks but I can’t imagine letting you walk away without me telling you I love you.

Layer Four through a million; What happened after you left my house? I know pieces but that’s never enough.

After all those layers are peeled away, what’s really left? The bulb , the heart of it all. You can plant it, bury it so deep that you might someday look out and see new growth sprouting from the ground.

But not always because sometimes when you plant it , it just dies and never comes back again.

4 Years in Heaven and how I pray that you have found true everlasting love and peace! As for me my love is infinite but my soul is shattered!

I love you Mark Aaron and life nor death will ever change that.

Ordinary

Where do you go when you are lost?

Who do you turn to with the loneliness invades?

I often get confused about my life. Am I being punished for my failures both past and present? Or am I punishing myself for never being enough?

I know I am not the person I was. I’ve grown, matured, I try to be empathetic. Yet I still am the same lost soul that I’ve always been.

Im always waiting for something and I don’t even know what it is. An answer?

I lock myself inside this little place and only come out to work or to show the world for a few minutes that I’m alright. Though I don’t think I am.

At one time I was a Mother and I obsessed over my children. Yet I was not a great Mother. That’s a hard one for me.. I can blame it on depression and anxiety because they are real, though mostly I blame it on ignorance of life.

Maybe I’m just like most ordinary people. I want to love and be loved without pain. I want to laugh, dance, and just be present for awhile. No past or future. Just today.

Sep. 10, 2019

5 Years ago I didn’t know the significance of Sep.10. With all heart breaking honesty I wish to God I still didn’t.

I’ll tell you the truth, my life is consumed by a series of dates on the calendar.

Not just the every day dates.. work.. days off.. trips. Not even just the happy dates…births… Birthdays… anniversaries…

My life is full of those dates that no one wants to remember. Like today World Suicide prevention day. Like October 19th my birthday but that’s not what it makes it memorable, it was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it. October 31, 2015 the day Aaron’s life ended on earth. June 23, 2016 the day Derek was med-flighted to the city. June 24, 2016 the day Derek’s battle was over.

Dates! Days! Weeks! Months! Years!

How do we stop this? What can we do to stop the pain of our people?

Please when life gets to be to much and you can’t see a way out, reach out ! Ask for help, call someone, do anything except take your life. Suicide is not the answer!

Monday Monday

Never ever take inventory of your life after a long , exhausting, Monday .

On Monday’s you remember most all of your failures, your list of shortcomings, and the fact that you are very alone.

Monday’s remind you that though a new week always approaches, it’s not always sunny!

Monday’s remind you even though you work for a future, you come home to emptiness.

Monday’s stink! Monday’s Hurt! Monday’s make me want to pull the covers over my head and forget the worlds outside!

Why can’t you be 33?

33 that is how old you should be today! You should be celebrating your birthday with family and friends. Your babies should be singing happy birthday to you. You should be blowing out 33 candles on a cake made for you!

But you’re not are you? You stopped at 29 . You don’t get to see your kids growing and changing. You don’t get to take them to the park, take them on adventures, you don’t get to feel them curling up beside you or in your lap.

The day you left our whole world changed, all the family dynamics became screwed up and there’s nothing that you left that will ever be the same.

I hear people say “this is your new normal ” but that’s not true there is nothing normal about this life.

I want to hear your voice when I talk to you, I want to see your expressions as you feel all kinds of emotions, I want to feel you kiss my cheek and the touch of your hugs. But they are gone and I never will experience you as a person, my son again.

Yet I still wait with a hope beyond reason that one day I’ll open my eyes and I will see your handsome face and beautiful smile. I still expect to hear your voice when I answer the phone

I am lost somewhere between yesterday and now, waiting and moving on. On a love I can never give up on.

I miss you son. Happy Birthday Mark Aaron Quimby! ❤️

Is the celebration over?

Fireworks and family always a fun time. It’s one of those holidays you don’t have to spend a fortune or be squeezed inside a house because of the cold.

It’s a cook outside, sit in the shade, drink a few beers and relax kind of day. And a sit back watch the sky for the beautiful oohhs and aahhhs kind of night.

Traditions of so many families. Of course I no longer have that traditional kind of family. I have a broken , scattered, we all have are own plans kind of life.

This year though I made a plan! I would go a few places and just enjoy the festivities. Eat food from a vendor, buy stuff that I don’t really need and watch some spectacular fireworks 💥!

Then reality stepped in and I remembered. How do you celebrate when so much of your heart is missing. How do you enjoy a life when part of yours is gone.

So once again I close the curtains and turn out the lights and I sleep, praying that I will celebrate with you both in my dreams.

Keep flying!!

Today is your 3 year Angelversary.. How can that be true? Last month you were my baby, I was holding you and I was so in love. I promised you and myself I would always take care of you.

3 weeks ago, you were running around following your big brother and that smile , you lit my world! Forever I would be by your side, no matter what.

2 weeks ago you started school, you told me about your friends, your days. You loved playing football and you were full of intrigue. Sometimes a bit to much, you liked to push that line. You always made me smile, my son, my love.

Last week you became an adult man. You worked , you played, you were becoming who you could be. You had beautiful babies that you adored. A life to live, did i tell you that no matter what hardships came, I was proud of you? How much I truly loved you?

Yesterday I got the call.. you shot yourself! I’m confused but I have hope, they are flying you to the City, they will fix you!! I sat beside you, I cleaned the blood from behind your ear that the nurses missed. I promised you again I would do whatever you needed from me.

But I was so very tired, my emotions were on overdrive and I left you, I just needed a nap ( why did I leave) everyone said I needed to leave for awhile ( why , why didn’t I just say no, I needed to be beside you, I needed to hold your hand through it all).

Early this morning I got the second call, you were gone, they had you in surgery, your death would save lives.

Today 3 Years have passed but for me they really haven’t. Time is meaningless, days come and go, Years flow but I don’t think I fully live, I’m lost in time.. and I wait for a future that feels like an eternity.

I will never stop hoping to see you again, to hear your voice, to feel your heartbeat. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. And I will never forgive myself for not being there when you needed me the most!